Here in Chicago, the weather has been uncharacteristically
warm the last few days and, frankly, anything above omg-I-can’t-feel-my-toes is
a step up. But for me, the wrapping up
of winter (pun intended) sparks the beginning of the bathing-suit fear that lies
dormant during winter. Every year, this
inevitably lights a fire under me to get my butt to the gym. I tend to be a fairly active person; I have
periods of time when I am really good at getting to the gym and times when I’m
not, pretty typical for a grad student I’d think. But in the last year, I have wanted to spend
less time on the elliptical and calorie-counting and focus more on increasing
my strength. I was always under the
false impression that weight training would lead to “bulking up,” which my
brain immediately saw as unattractive and unappealing. But the more research I have done about what
are the best ways to have a strong and healthy body, the more I have learned
about the differences in hormones between biological males and females and that
strength training is an excellent way to… well… build strength. So with this new philosophy and outlook on
taking charge of my body, I head to the gym!
It’s not until I get there that I am overcome with this debilitating self-consciousness
once I realize that I am about to walk into what feels like the “man’s area.” I am immediately conscious of what I am
wearing and what my hair and body look like and feel embarrassed, stupid, and
like I don’t belong there. In spite of
this, I do my sets, ever-aware of how small the weights are that I put on the
end of my barbell, as compared to the guys’ next to me. I do my workouts, push
myself hard, keep my ear buds tight in my ear, and avoid eye contact at all
costs. Every so often I see another
woman there on her own, sweating her heart out and showing no fear, and I envy
her radiating confidence. I work hard
too, and want so much to keep increasing those weights on my barbells, but I
can’t help but find that the weight area of the gym is the place that I find
myself the most self-conscious, objectified, and aware of my status as a woman
these days. I suppose that makes me
fortunate that I don’t have to be in this state of mind constantly, that I
surround myself with people and communities where I am able to feel safe, but
because of this when it does happen it is all the more salient for me. I think about this dilemma throughout each of
my workouts and I wonder how and if it has an impact on other women; in a space
in which we should feel empowered, I feel at my most vulnerable and
insecure. I want so badly to feel the
strength I am enhancing in my body and focus on the muscles I am building and
not on the fact that because I am strengthening my body, it feels even more on
display for others. How can we overcome
this? How can we not allow the time we
spend focusing on strengthening ourselves still
only focus on our bodies? Is there a way
we can be present in male-dominated spaces without allowing it to be
distracting from the goals at hand? Do
you all have similar experiences?
-Written by Haran M. King, M.A.
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