Lean Out // Natalie Raymond

Image from www.jllfitness.co.uk 

All things considered, I grew up in a very egalitarian household. Both parents worked full-time and largely split the household duties. Neither of them liked to cook, however, the producing of dinner each night fell to my mother. I give her credit for putting food on the table, but it was clear she took no joy in it. Meat, veggies, and grain: no frills, no spice, and I didn’t even know chicken could come with sauce until I started eating out with friends in high school.

I asked her once why she cooked and he didn’t, since they both appeared to hate it so much. She said, “Your father’s very good at getting out of things he doesn’t want to do. He just says, ‘I don’t know how!’ and plays helpless until someone else does it.”

Having used it myself (in fact, I, too, will do almost anything to avoid cooking), I would never imply that this is a tactic only men resort to. But, wonderful man and feminist though he is, there is something telling in the fact that it was my dad, and not my mom, who feigned ignorance to avoid the same unpleasant task. (And it’s certainly an ability that advertisements for household products have picked up on.)

It is no secret that women are historically relegated to unglamorous duties, in and out of the home. Even today – even in egalitarian environments like my family of origin – women do the majority of the drudgery, pick up the majority of the slack. I see it in group projects at school, when traveling with a mixed-gender group, and after the meal has finished at a friend’s get-together. Women instinctively get up from their chairs to do what must be done, not because they like it any more than men, but because the weight of 5,000 years of obligation hangs heavy over all our heads.

Sometimes I wait a while, to see if someone else will do it. When I see another woman start in on the task, I sigh and get up to help her, though I was so hoping it would be a guy.

In my areas of interest, I talk often about assertiveness and boundaries. I am assertive in my actions, but I often set boundaries by my inactivity. I try not to take on extra work, not to go out of my way to arrange a meeting with someone who won’t be flexible in turn, and not to answer emails at dinner. It’s more than boundaries, self-care, or a work-life balance: sometimes, especially with my male colleagues, I am intentionally leaning out. I am leaving some slack, and there’s a particular kind of person I’m hoping will pick it up.

After all, the standard line of thinking seems to be that women can’t lean out if men won’t lean in. Today, I talk with my female colleagues about engaging men in our work (sexual violence prevention). A decade ago, I sat on the floor of my closet with my female friends and we plotted how best to make boys text us back. The confusion, the desperation, and the frustration – “If he would just…” – are disturbingly similar.

I don’t want to be in that same place. I don’t want my choices to depend on waiting for someone else’s response (haven’t women waited long enough?).

Of course, “lean out” is, on its own, simplistic. It’s not applicable to everything in my life. I’ve chosen to devote my time to enough long-term problems to know a long-term solution when I see one, and there are some things too important to not give my all to. But there are also plenty of things that I work way too hard on, that I do way too much of, and when I ask myself “Why?” I find that it’s just that same sense of obligation, that duty, that sense that someone should and someone will be me.

And if it isn’t me? I recall a 2013 article suggesting that women should cease to do more than “their fair share” of the housework, and that if the household descends into filth, then so be it. Filth as equality. I bristled at it then, and I do now, too. I don’t want to lower my standards, I want to raise my expectations. I want the men in my life to volunteer to do the extra work sometimes; to rearrange their schedule for our meeting; to notice the dirty dishes and stand up to do them. I know there’s more that needs to happen for men to lean in, but that space won’t be there until I lean out.

Who am I? Snow White or the Evil Witch? // Blanka Angyal

            Show of hands! How many of us have had the privilege of at least one bedtime story growing up? Snuggled up in my cozy bed with only my face sticking out from under the covers. My grandmother sat in the armchair and closed her eyes as she spoke. I stared into the crackling fire, which dimly lit up the room. Her soothing voice evoked feelings of warmth, peace, and safety. It was a sacred space of connection and a space where the imagination could run wild. These were the moments that instilled in me a profound interest in stories.

Little did I know that this space would become the belly of the beast, where the evils plots, fascinating titillations of the dynamic fights of good and evil, right and wrong were instilled in my budding psyche. Little did I know how powerful the covert messages received in trust and openness from someone I looked up to and loved would inform what is moral and appropriate for me as a woman. It was through these stories that the ugly face of racism was internalized. I came to questions, whether I am White enough as “Snow White” to be considered pretty and valuable. It was through these stories that the ugly face of sexism was internalized. I learned that I need to find someone to depend on because I am weak, fragile, and scared. My appearance was to be objectified and I would need to be considered an appealing “body” before an appealing “mind.” It was through these stories that the ugly face of classism was internalized. I learned that the person I am with or the prestige of the males in my family should inform my self-worth.  It was through these stories that I learned that having my own ambitions and pursuing them would be considered evil and harm those that I care for. The only woman who was independent, powerful, and passionate about something was the evil witch. The evil witch tried to murder her own daughter in pursuit of her own goals. Would having my own identity, independence, and interests be harmful to those I love? 

Clearly, it is not only through fairy tales that these messages become instilled and reinforced. I share this testimony because for me it is a clear example of how deeply instilled in our everyday interactions and narratives different “-isms” are. My grandmother’s intention would never be to hurt me or bestow onto me values that would belittle, dehumanize, or objectify me in any way. Yet, it was unavoidable and present nonetheless.

My grandmother was an important female figure in my life. She was strong, independent, stubborn, and goal oriented. It was her example that helped me deconstructs these harmful messages and begged into question the schema of the good woman and evil witch. She inspired me to follow my own compass, even when it defied traditional gender norms. I would not be the feminist woman I am today without her! Her example sparked and allowed me to develop a critical consciousness, which “…comes about when individuals develop an epistemological awareness of the ways dialogic, political, and economic structures act on their everyday lives.” (Denzin & Lincoln, 2005, p. 183).

References

Denzin, N. K., & Lincoln, Y. S. (2005). The SAGE handbook of qualitative research. Thousand

            Oaks: Sage Publications.

Image retrieved from: http://www.counter-currents.com/2011/12/deconstructing-disney/

Sexual Assault Awareness Month // Megan Zurasky

http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf

With sexual assault awareness month looming (it starts tomorrow, for those of you who didn’t know) I thought I’d use this space to touch on some wisdom I have acquired while working for a rape crisis center.

1.     1 in 4 women experience sexual violence before they turn 18 and 1 in 5 women experience college rape.  It happens. It happens in your state. It happens in your city. It happens to people you know, and people you know are perpetrators. We often look at statistics and think, “yeah but, not me.” I know I did. It’s time to get real about sexual violence. It is everywhere and it’s not going away until we actively try to stop it.

2.     People don’t lie about this. The false reporting rate for this crime is the lowest of all violent crimes. The individuals coming forward about their assault do not receive monetary gain; in fact they often spend significant money during the process.  I’m not saying that false accusations never happen, but we need to shift our view and start believing these survivors.

3.     Rape culture is real and it’s hurting the survivors. I can honestly say if I had a dollar for every time I heard a victim-blaming statement while working at the center, I could retire now. People think it doesn’t happen anymore, but it does. Let’s start supporting these survivors instead of tearing them down.

4.     It’s never the victims fault. Let’s be real about this: it doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, if the rapist would just not rape them, the rape wouldn’t happen. The responsibility is on the perpetrator, not the victim. Every time. No matter what.

5.     College rape is a real issue. This topic has been in the media lately with the “It’s On Us” campaign started by the Vice President. The awareness being brought to this population is fantastic. 90% of college rapes go unreported and I believe with this new awareness we will see that number drop.

6.     Human trafficking happens in the U.S. This issue is something I have become aware of more recently and that more people should know about. It’s not like the movie Taken- it’s our young, at risk youth who are at risk and we need to do everything we can to protect them.

Now, with those topics out of the way, let’s talk about what people are doing to help. We have some amazing programming going on in Pittsburgh for sexual assault awareness month. Many college campuses are screening movies like, The Hunting Ground, which highlights the injustices on college campuses when it comes to sexual violence (it’s on Netflix now, check it out!) There are Take Back the Night events that give voices to survivors.  There are benefit dinners and concerts. There are Red My Lips events that encourage people to wear red lipstick as a conversation starter about sexual violence. Pittsburgh is doing amazing things, and I know other cities are as well. Get out there and participate! Share posts on Facebook, attend events and wear red lipstick. Now is the time to get our awareness up so we can start to see the changes we need to support survivors.

By:  Megan Zurasky

Feminism and Intersubjectivity: Whose Reality Is It, Anyway? // Mae Adams Shirley

(Image obtained from wanelo.com; African Sculpture in Teakwood)

Feminism and Intersubjectivity: Whose Reality Is It, Anyway?

By Mae Adams Shirley, M.A., M.S.

George Fox University

     It’s true, for years psychoanalysis and feminism appeared to be opposing forces in the field of psychology. As a previous blogger in this forum pointed out, we have only recently begun to re-formulate our understanding of Freud’s work with the female psyche to make room for the feminist perspective, through Freud’s treatment of the classically misunderstood “hysterical woman,” (Wierbinska, 2016). Despite Freud’s use of classical psychoanalysis to establish a hierarchal, expert vs. layman relationship between the analyst and the analysand, I would posit that Freud (however unknowingly) propelled the field of psychoanalysis into the 21^st century through his identification of the transference/countertransference possibility within the analytic relationship. This was the first time it had been suggested that the patient and therapist influence one another through projection of one’s self. The idea that patient and therapist psychically impacted one another was a monumental claim by Freud. It would be many years later that the field of psychoanalysis would broaden this concept of transference/countertransference to encapsulate the way the two, separate unconscious worlds of the patient and therapist interact with one another through various relating styles.

     Theorists such as Winnicott, Klein, Fairbairn and later Ogden, Mitchell and Benjamin changed the course of psychoanalysis through exploration of subjectivity in the therapeutic relationship. While object relations theorists proposed that psychoanalysis is a “one and a half psychology” where the subject (patient) uses the therapist (object) to enact recurrent relational themes, relational psychoanalytic theorists took things a step further. It is not a matter of subject and object, they would proclaim, but rather two subjective experiences in the therapeutic relationship that interrelate and interact with one another in rhythm. In her article, Recognition and Destruction: An Outline of Intersubjectivity, Jessica Benjamin explained: “Intersubjective theory postulates that the other must be recognized as another subject in order for the self to fully experience his or her subjectivity in the other's presence. This means that we have a need for recognition and that we have a capacity to recognize others in return, thus making mutual recognition possible,” (Benjamin, 1998).

     But what does mutual recognition mean? And why is it important for feminism? When I began my doctoral studies, I knew that I wanted to pursue a deeper understanding of psychoanalysis. I also knew that my eyes had been opened by feminist theory and other postmodern approaches in psychology that emphasized a social consciousness and a movement toward action that recognized systems of power and oppression. It wasn’t until my second year of my PsyD program that I first discovered the works of Jessica Benjamin, Ph.D. Until discovering her research and her infamous book, The Bonds of Love, I had no idea that any marriage between psychoanalysis and feminism had ever been discussed. These two theoretical orientations had felt incompatible and even at odds with one another in my mind. To be fair, my assumptions were supported by historical evidence of classical psychoanalysis’ view of the hierarchal therapeutic dyad that placed the analyst in a position of power and authority over the patient. But as I began to read about a newer development in the field of analysis known as relational psychoanalysis, I realized that for years there has been a growing and widely adopted movement to dismantle these positions of power in lieu of a more mutually-focused therapeutic relationship.

     Feminism and this relational psychoanalytic approach fit neatly together because of their shared ideology that one’s experience in the room does not diminish or invalidate the existence of the other. As one of my supervisors frequently states: “I have an unconscious, too.” In relational psychoanalysis, we make space for the subjectivity of the patient because we as the therapist know too well what it means for psychic health if the internal world is discounted at the expense of another (case in point- the Narcissistic parent and their extension, the child). Therapist neither dominates nor subjugates their position in relationship with the client in a relational psychoanalytic frame. This same premise has existed since the beginning of the feminist movement. The idea is that I cannot make space for the reality and experience of another at the expense of my own. When one dominant group holds power, it necessitates that another group is disempowered and thus objectified. In an intersubjective therapeutic approach, both the therapist and client’s realities co-exist and are equally as valid. They not only hold value, but they mutually influence one another. Through the co-created relationship between the two, we find not a “one and a half psychology” but rather a “two person psychology” that allows space for both therapist and client to exist with their own internal worlds, fantasies, fears, past experiences and present reveries.

     Much like my first exposure to feminist theory, my first experience of relational psychoanalysis greatly shook my understanding of relationships, theory and clinical practice. I was faced with my own bias of psychology that had been created by a historical conceptualization of the therapist as the expert. This oppressive perspective had been more deeply ingrained in me than I cared to admit. And much like someone first allowing themselves to identify as “feminist”, my transition into a relational psychoanalytic perspective was slow and felt risky. But I could no longer ignore the fact that patient and therapist are constantly influencing one another in the shared relational experience of therapy. I could not ignore the impact that my clients have had on me, nor pretend that my own subjectivity has not been experienced by those that sit across from me in the client seat. My admission that I am a subjective being, even in the clinical space, requires that I embrace rather than forfeit my own internal reality and perhaps even learn to use this reality as a way of gaining even greater perspective into my client’s internal world. This mutual recognition of each other’s subjectivities reminds me that we are both human, both seeking empowerment, and both fearing the dominance of the other. The feminist perspective holds this same basic tenet: That only through empowerment of the marginalized individual do we find a more evenly constructed playing field where both voices can be heard. In therapy, this is done through inviting the patient to share his or her own story, creating a space in which they are the expert on their own internal experience and inviting that experience to interact with the subjectivity of the therapist.

To My Feminist Brother(s) // Amandahbeth Tilus

To my feminist brother(s),

I believe that you are owed a debt of gratitude, which I am happy to pay in part today.

Love, Mindy

            I chose to dedicate this post to my feminist brother, Preston, and others like him. I am aware that there are feminists who would deny his ability to represent this movement, however, I tend to find gender-discriminative membership rules a bit restrictive and outdated. In my view, feminism is best represented when men and women acknowledge each other as equal agents within a relational world; to do so, women and men must take part in this discussion together.

            Men who participate in feminism must often take on the challenge of responding to accusations, from both men and women, of “defecting” from their own gender. These conversations assume that the feminist mission is to dismantle the current male-dominated hierarchy and replace it with a similarly unbalanced female model of power, rather than establishing an equal balance between both men and women. Furthermore, they suggest that feminist men are unaware of the beliefs, structure, and purpose of the feminist movement which they have chosen to support. This latter argument is unique in that gender exclusive feminists also use it to counter potential male supporters. As I reflect on my own feminist development, in comparison to that of many feminist men, I am grateful for the freedom with which I was able to explore this facet of my identity.

            For those that prefer a utilitarian argument, consider that the activism of feminist men may serve multiple purposes for the feminist movement. Firstly, it demonstrates the capacity for caring, respectful, non-romantic relationships between men and women. When I hear my brother, husband, or father speak positively regarding feminism, I feel loved. Secondly, the presence and voices of feminist men promotes an atmosphere of accountability in promoting equality for all people, not women alone. This presence is especially helpful when discussions regarding the painful history of feminism threaten to consume the energy needed to make positive changes in the present. Excessive focus spent on assigning blame to either gender for the inequities of the past, and the trials of the present, wastes precious time and results in reductive conclusions. Men and women are equally responsible to move forward and make positive changes in this world. Finally, feminist men serve as a reminder of the manner in which privilege may be used to enact social change. My feminist brother inspires me to remain aware of the unearned privileges that I have, and the ways in which I may use these for the benefit of all.

Sex Without Pain: A Woman's Right // Amanda Lappin

Recently I attended a sexuality conference held at a local medical center. The conference offered sessions on a variety of topics such as LGBT marriage, eating disorders and sexuality, and living with HIV. For one of the sessions, a physical therapist explored pelvic pain complications and the resulting sexual dysfunction. I had never heard of pelvic pain and learned a lot at the information session.

The pelvic floor is a “group of muscles that attach to the front, back, and sides of the pelvic bone” (Interstitial Cystitis Association, 2015). The pelvic muscles must be relaxed in order to urinate, have a bowel movement, or, in women, achieve sexual pleasure and/or an orgasm (Interstitial Cystitis Association, 2015). About 1 in 5 Americans experience some type of pelvic floor dysfunction in their life (Beyond Basics Physical Therapy, 2016). The physical therapist leading the session stated that many women cannot relax their pelvic floor muscles for sexual intercourse, resulting in painful intercourse or inability to have penetration. The physical therapist stated that due to pelvic floor pain, some women have never had an orgasm or avoid sex completely because the pain is too great.

I thought of friends and stories I have read online about women who have terrible pain during sexual penetration. When going to the doctor they were often told that it was just part of being a woman – we just don’t enjoy sex as much as men. Some were told to simply relax or to drink a bottle of wine and push through the pain. If a medical provider does not have expertise or training in pelvic floor pain, then he or she may not know how to diagnose and treat pelvic floor pain.

The physical therapist stated that pelvic floor pain is 100% treatable with a combination of physical therapy, counseling, and/or medication. In extreme cases an individual may need surgery. However, pelvic floor pain does not have to be a way of life for men and women. Women have a right to a healthy and pleasurable sex life without the pain of penetration. After attending the conference I wanted to tell everyone I knew that painful sex does not need to be the norm for women. While I am not sure if screaming this new information from the rooftops is appropriate, I wanted to spread the information somehow. So fellow feminists, tell your friends – sex doesn’t have to be painful. In fact, everyone deserves the very best that sex has to offer.

Resources and Further Reading:

Beyond Basics Physical Therapy. (2016). Pelvic pain and pelvic floor dysfunction. Retrieved from http://www.beyondbasicsphysicaltherapy.com/pfd

Interstitial Cystitis Association. (2015). Pelvic floor dysfunction. Retrieved from http://www.ichelp.org/about-ic/associated-conditions/pelvic-floor-dysfunction/

Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will change your sex life. (2015). New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

-Dr. Nagoski is a sex educator and author. Come as You Are (2015) uses research and brain science to explore female pleasure and the unique sexuality of women.

The Existential Feminist // Sandra Cortez

The Existential Feminist

How do we find meaning in life? How do we get to a place where we embrace life, where we embrace our femininity? How do we contemplate and embrace our existence? I was born a Mexican-American girl into a family I had no say in belonging to. Both of my parents were born in Mexico and immigrated to the United States when they were about 11 years old. Their parents brought them here for a better life. I was born into this family as the youngest of four siblings; two sisters and one brother. I was born into a culture that valued family and believed in hard work. Higher education was not a topic of conversation in my home. Our culture believed in growing up, attending the necessary 12 years of schooling, getting married, and having children. That was the sole nature of our existence and purpose in life. I had no say in those beliefs, or in the customs that I was born into. I’m positive that I was just expected to follow suit.

I lived my life- as I liked to say ‘backwards’ and a little out of order. I became a teen mother at 17 years old and graduated high school. By the time I was 19, I had two sons and was unmarried. I had a volatile relationship with the father of my kids who was in and out of our lives and chose not to support us. I raised my kids the first couple of years on welfare and was able to be at home with them. I loved being a mother, although parenting was a tough job to do on my own. I felt alone and afraid that I would fail. My life quickly became stressful, overwhelming, and unhappy. I knew that I would not be on welfare for long because I wanted more in my life, especially for my kids. This thinking was different than my culture because it was not uncommon to raise children at the expense of the government, but that was not the type of life I wanted. The volatile relationship with their father made me angry and resentful. The dysfunctional relationship ignited an ambition and drive in me for change. I was forced to question my existence- without knowing that’s what I was doing. I was in an emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusive relationship and that did not sit well with me. I felt that it defied the very essence of my being- my existence- my true self. I knew I deserved better and so did my children. I didn’t know what that entailed, I just knew that I believed deep down there was something more out there.  

I remember after I left their father, I began dating and I remember how disheartening it was for people to ask me, “So what do you like to do?” Such an easy question would make me cringe because I didn’t know what I liked to do, I didn’t know who I was. I lost my identity- or maybe I never had one- and I was forced to look at myself and ask myself “what DO I like? What are my interests? Who am I?”  I was forced to go against my culture and question every aspect of my being and establish MY identity and figure out who I was. In my culture, you become a mother and a wife. You don’t have an identity outside of what you do for others. You become at the mercy of those people in your life that you are responsible for and to; your husband, your kids, and still your parents, despite having your own family. Your parents still tell you what to do and expect you to listen to them. My culture does not know what the meaning of boundaries are and my mother was no different. Although she was a kind-hearted woman, she was controlling, something I didn’t realize until a few years ago. She expected me to do what she said. I think she did this- I think- because I was a single parent and didn’t have a husband, so she felt like she could try to run my life. Her approach also did not sit well with me and analyzing my existence as a daughter was another area I had to evaluate and dissect. One of the most difficult thing I had to do in my life was get to know myself, it was a painful process because we are not taught to do this. I began to question who I was and what I enjoyed doing. I entered a journey of self-discovery as a young mother. I was 22 years old.

I began the journey by identifying the characteristic I possessed that I liked about myself. When I thought about these attributes, I remember thinking ‘I am loving, I have a good heart, and I am caring’ and I like these, these are good. I also remember acknowledging the fact that no matter how much someone would hurt me, I didn’t ‘have to’ change these things and no one could take these good qualities away from me. I also questioned myself ‘if I was on my dying bed, how would I want to be remembered as a daughter, a mother, a sister, etc.’ I had to evaluate what I possessed and if I was ‘okay’ with this- with who I was. I gave myself permission to ‘be’. I realized that I had the power within me to be who I was deep down inside and I also realized I didn’t have to be what I wasn’t. I didn’t have to follow suit. I didn’t have to be what other people thought I should be and I didn’t have to take on the beliefs of others. We choose whether we say yes, or if we choose not to, it’s still a choice. It is difficult to go against the grain; to embrace who you are and be okay with this person, even when others don’t agree or understand, especially when it’s your own parent.

I remember setting boundaries with my mother and voicing the things that didn’t resonate with me about her expectations of me and she didn’t like it. I realized a long time ago that the only life I have is this one and I need to be okay with me. I believe I became empowered to embrace my existence and truly create the life I wanted. I’ve accomplished so much through this process of self-discovery. I have been able to raise my children, put myself through school and work at good jobs that have allowed me to provide for my family. I will be a Doctor in Clinical Psychology this year- a great accomplishment- and I don’t think any of this could’ve been possible without the struggles I’ve endured that forced me to question my existence and the meaning of my life. I am a woman; a mother, an inquisitive being who seeks to discover, achieve, and conquer. Who are you?

Don't tell me I'm beautiful. // Allie Rosenberg

Don’t tell me I’m beautiful.

“Being Dishonest About Ugliness”, a New York Times opinion piece penned by Julia Baird (check it out here), begged controversy with its frank discussion of “the savage social hierarchy of ‘lookism’”. Baird argues that, in a society that rewards the physically attractive – yet simultaneously acknowledges myriad non-aesthetic accomplishments as valuable (e.g. intelligence, humor, athleticism) – our attempts to build character through beauty ideals are distasteful.

I’ll admit I was taken aback at first read; Baird’s message seemed unnecessarily harsh. Upon re-reading the article, however, I considered Baird’s opinion within the context of female empowerment…more specifically, female empowerment as represented by popular media campaigns. The Dove Real Beauty movement quickly came to mind: I’m a total sucker for Dove’s feel-good videos promoting self-love (particularly the one about curly hair, because I relate more than I’m prepared to admit), but lately I’ve come to question the dominance of beauty-based media as a source of female empowerment.

Women can write, and read, and run, and play. They can think and debate and critique, emote and confound and provoke. Their strength lies within. This is no novel concept; we soothe ourselves with platitudes and clichés we don’t always believe (“beauty is skin deep”), but rarely do we practice what we preach. Our empowerment strategies rely upon bandaging what is sore, rather than enhancing what is already so strong.

By no means do I intend to diminish the positive effects of beauty-based media, but I do question the long-term viability of such media. Sure, I felt somewhat less hostile toward my unruly curls after watching Dove’s “Love Your Curls” video, but I didn’t feel any smarter, or kinder, or funnier, or more genuine. If these are indeed the traits we cling to in moments of vulnerability, perhaps we should reconsider our definition of empowering media.

I would like to conclude not with a sense of finality, but rather with a thought-provoking emotional commentary (courtesy of berlin-artparasites):

Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I have already heard the word rubbed raw across the flesh of so many girls before me. Thrown at them like rocks that beat the skin of those we do not understand. “You are beautiful,” we yell with such contempt. “God dammit, why won’t you just believe me, you’re beautiful!” It is not a compliment. It is a victory march of your own self-sacrifice. “You’re beautiful,” we say through gritted teeth. “You’re beautiful,” we spit out through tears, looking at a reflection we hate. “You’re beautiful,” we say, holding a body that has never felt the arms of another. “You’re beautiful.” Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. A word like that floats on the surface, give me something with depth. Tell me I’m intelligent. Tell me I’m courageous. Tell me that when I laugh the whole world smiles. Tell me that my voice is sweeter than strawberries. Remind me that my hands have helped flowers grow, painted the ocean, and captured the sky in my phone. Assure me that with a mind like mine, I can change the world. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t really care if it’s true. I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that beauty goes through and through. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I’ve felt the word splatter against me enough for a lifetime. I am better than the “beautiful” that slips from your lips. I am the ocean, 36,000 feet deep. There are parts of me you have never seen. I am outer space, infinite in your search. I am not simply “beautiful.” I’m a masterpiece.

Written by Allie Rosenberg

Baird, Julia. (2015, November 9). Being dishonest about ugliness. Retrieved from

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/09/opinion/being-dishonest-about-

ugliness.html?_r=1

Self-Care for a Young Feminist Graduate Student // Anastasiya Tsoy

Self-Care for a Young Feminist Graduate Student

Passing classes, preparing for graduation, finishing Master’s thesis, funding a job and planning out-of-school life is overwhelming for a young woman. With our busy lives and hectic schedules, hundred of internships and endless goals, sometimes we forget about our well-being and mental health. As a master’s student, student advocate and active community member, I created a plan of maintaining my health with these simple steps.

1.              Set Goals, Prioritize Them.

To prioritize goals, write them down first. If you have long-term goals such as applying to Ph.D., make them short and concise (e.g., take GRE classes, find the right program, contact admission office, fill out application, etc.). With the short-term goals, you can create your own path. Make sure to move step by step.

Tips. Do not be upset when things do not go exactly as you planned. Life is not a plan but you can predict any kind of consequences in advance. If you do not get what you want, make sure to find an alternative way to move towards your goal aka dream.

2.              Sleep, Eat, Drink is the Key.

Setting goals and creating schedule of your next moves helps to clarify your path. Be mindful of your health. Have enough sleep, food and water. Having enough sleep is the key for your brain to rest and become ready for the next hard working day. By having enough proteins and healthy fat, your brain cells and body is ready to produce energy to finish your Master’s thesis. Drinking water helps you to stay hydrated and helps oxygen force your blood to go to your brain. The more often your blood circulates in your body and brain, the faster you remember and recall information.

3.             Save time for yourself.

Small things make life happier. Try to find 30-40 minutes per week to give it to yourself by having massage, manicure, pedicure or your favorite show. Let go of stress – whether it is a thesis, papers, finals or negative mindset. If you under stress, guilt, doubt or envy is preventing you from writing an A+ paper. If you cannot finish the chapter of a very tough topic, your brain gives you signal to change an environment. By changing functions for 30-40 minutes will give your brain rest from routine [Try to jungle functions: Left-brain that we usually use to study (analytic thought, logic, language and science) and Right-Brain functions that we use for creative thinking (intuition, art, music, creativity, holistic thought).

4.             Forget about your devices.

As a very busy young woman with set of goals, booked schedule for the next several months, I understand how hard it is not to check your email and social media accounts every 30 minutes or less. By not having a device with an instant online access, some may feel isolation from the real world. Try to have an online free day at least one day per month then try to have it every week to avoid anxiety of being isolated. (Anxiety of not being on top of the latest news and inability to email your professor right away make us anxious and vulnerable.)

5.     Enjoying today is the biggest gift of your life.

Prioritizing goals and trying to reach them every day make us to forget what is happening outside. Stealing time from our well-being to professional goals make us physically weak. Try to find time for your mental health by attending yoga class, meditation or talk therapy. Life is too short to spend it for reaching professional goals only; the life is an amazing process of knowing yourself, surrounding and creating memories, so be mindful and take a step away from your computer now and start to act to save you for yourself.

Picture source: http://berkeleysciencereview.com/article/mind-grad-school/

3 Stress Reducing Benefits of Feminism for you Mental and Physical Health // Marlene Williams

Image from tinybuddha.com

There is much push back against the idea of feminism by the general public. Understandably, feminism can be a difficult concept to grasp because it goes against the inconsistency between our nations belief in equality and what it actually does to insure that we are not all equal. It is for this same reason, among others, that we should all, (men, women, and everyone on the gender spectrum) should take part in feminist action. Not only are feminist ideals fundamentally rooted in the same ideals of equality that we claim our nation is built on, but engaging in feminist ideals is also a lifestyle that can have positive mental and physical health outcomes in the face of adversity and oppression. Psychological research has demonstrated that there are significant mental and physical health outcomes that people experience in response to discrimination (i.e. increased heart rate, heaviness in chest, sadness, thought rumination, slowed task completion etc). Living a feminist lifestyle can help improve our wellbeing by allowing us to live a more fulfilled life with less stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms associated with our negative reactions to society’s restrictive expectations. These benefits are outlined below.

1. More self-expression, Less stress Part of identifying as a feminist means that you have an awareness of how systems of oppression operate on the societal, global, cultural, and individual level. Having this awareness allows you to see the world for what it really is. Suddenly, the inequalities around the world are understood from an objective point of view and you recognize that the pressure you feel to conform to a certain type of gender role or identity is coming from societal messages. Then, you realize that there is freedom in knowing that you do not have to live up to societal standards. Because you experience less pressure to live up to these standards, you may experience less stress and anxiety associated with things such as body dissatisfaction, self-confidence, creative expression, non-traditional gender roles and much more. Having this awareness is only the beginning; once it is obtained, one can make their own well-informed decisions about their life, free from the confines of society’s expectations. For example, when deciding what to wear or how to express yourself, your decision is no longer made based on what society will think of you, but rather on your knowledge that society has placed boundaries on you and that you are not obligated to uphold those stereotypes. Even if you do choose to express yourself through social norms, it is your decision to do so rather than it being imposed on you.

2. More life fulfillment, Less stress A life without societal pressures on self-expression leaves plenty of room to live a more fulfilling life, living out goals and aspirations. Under feminist ideals, one can live a life where the proverbs such as “live unapologetically”, “love yourself”, or “all people are created equal” are actually obtainable. For example, that career you really want that society says you shouldn’t have because it is “incongruent” with your gender, you can go get it. Or that feeling inside of you that wants you to outwardly express yourself, you can let it out. Society narrowly defines masculinity and femininity, ascribes them to one’s sex, and judges when someone does not engage in the “normal” behaviors associated with their gender, which keeps many individuals from exercising their full potential. Traditionally, all of the responsibility is put on men to be the sole providers and many men feel pressure to uphold this standard, but feminist ideals relieve some of that pressure and say that it is ok to expect equal contribution from genders. Similarly, women can be empowered by being working, assertive women who also provide for their family. Additionally, in this process of living a more fulfilled life, you have the opportunity to reach back to the people around you by becoming an ally and advocating for justice.

3. Improved interpersonal interactions, Less stress Often people get frustrated with feminism and argue that it is just a way to be overly “politically correct” which requires more energy or that it restricts freedom of speech when in actuality it does the opposite. Feminist ideals actually support the freedom of expression that goes against what is deemed politically correct, but in a way that is not oppressive towards others. Furthermore, once you are aware of the negative mental and physical health outcomes associated with using certain words, derogatory ways of interacting with other people, and the historical and cultural, painful histories they are connected to, it becomes much easier to not use those words anymore. Feminism essentially enforces that golden rule we were all taught as young children: treat others as you wish to be treated. Discrimination and oppression prompt negative mental and physical reactions in the receiver that are associated with stress, anxiety and depressive symptoms and when accumulated over time can contribute to poorer health outcomes and health disparities. By putting a little effort into being aware of what we are saying or how we are treating others, we can help reduce these negative health outcomes for all of us.

Police Officers // Kaitlyn M. Bonzo, B.A.

Image from: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4f/United_States_Air_Force_Security_Forces_Police_Patch.jpeg

Police officers. Everyone seems to have their own opinion of them. Some public option views police officers as noble, while others view the police as a force of evil. We all have some sort of gut reaction when opinions are formed about the police. We all know or have experienced stories about the police and how they treated us or those we know. I have my own personal gut reactions and as I reflect on them, they are formed out of the fact that I am a female. Based on my understanding, female police officers make up far fewer of the overall police force compared to men.

With this information, I could discuss gender equality in the police force; however, I would rather discuss other thoughts concerning the police.  Almost all of my encounters with police officers in the civilian capacity have been with male police officers. Overall, I feel that I have been respected as a human and as a female. Unfortunately, I know far too many people who are close to me who have had negative reactions from the police based on their race and sex. Allow me to elaborate with an example from a friend. Have you ever been pulled over late at night in a dark location, only to be accused of being "booty call" by the male police officer?

Hearing my friend recount this event, and hearing the fear in her voice and seeing her panicked facial expression made me concerned for my own safety while being out at night. Is this not ironic, that some women do not feel safe alone at night, and the very force that is intended to protect them causes them to feel further victimized? I am aware that this is a single case; however, this is not the only instance that has been recounted to me concerning police officers making females fear for their safety. How can we teach men that the majority women who are out at night are not prostitutes?

How can I feel safe as a female last at night when the very force that is intended to protect me, might cause me to be further victimized? I think we would all agree that when we see or hear of police officers behaving in this manner, we instantly believe the worst of them as a whole.  It is hard for civilians to trust a police force that has repeatedly used their power to victimize innocent civilians. It is upsetting when we hear that police officers victimize women. On a small level my hope is that this post will provoke us to think about how civilians can teach police officers how to respect humanity and women.

Police officers, please consider how you can become your own advocates and change based on how you are perceived by the people that you serve and protect. We can easily locate stories that have made the news accusing police officers of violating their code of conduct. There is no shortage of reports indicating that police officers have sexually assaulted civilians. This fear that my friend and I have due to her encounter with an unethical and violating police officer is a fear based out of a violation of trust and safety as humans who expect to be protected by police officers.

I would be willing to predict that there is a significant civilian population that fears the police as a whole for their lack of ethical conduct. To elaborate, I would also be willing to vouch that many women fear the police due to the possibility that they could be sexually assaulted. In general, females are physically weaker in comparison to most men and I wonder if male police officers realize that their gender, status, and physical characteristics automatically put most females in an inferior position. This is a systematic, gender hierarchy that needs to change with regards to protecting women.

I know from experience working with survivors of sexual assault by police, that survivor's reports are often not taken seriously by police officers. This adds an additional layer of mistrust that some women may have towards police officers. How is this impacting the way that women and girls view male police officers? Police officers, what can be done to change how civilians view you and the generally noble work that you do?