Looking Through the Lens of Abuse: The Katie & Tom Divorce

It’s over, 5 years of “TomKat”. Celebrity divorce is almost constantly in the media, it seems as though lasting relationships are almost extinct in Hollywood, save for the adorably normal Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (no scandals as far as I know). Divorce rates aside there is something different about the split announced last week of Katie Holmes (called Kate by her soon-to-be ex) and the infamous Tom Cruise: all the signs of a preplanned escape from an abusive relationship. As a psychologist, especially working with college and graduate students, relationships are often the topic of focus in sessions. Abuse in those relationships is frequently the norm. Abuse does not always turn physical, however the scars of psychological, emotional, verbal, financial and even spiritual abuse are long lasting and affect many areas of life for those who are victimized. The most insidious part of this sort of abuse is that it is often explained away, excused, justified and internalized as the “norm” or something to be expected and accepted. I have worked with male victims of abuse and know that this is not an infrequent occurrence; some statistics show that as many as 30% of abuse victims are male and we know than men under- report abuse due to gender role expectations. With that being said I would like to take a moment to focus on women and relationship abuse.

Gender role stereotypes which are still alive and well in our culture, as well as portrayals of women being dominated and/or victimized in media images, contribute to a culture in which abuse of women is normalized. Often times we see a woman being talked down to by her partner, intimidated, controlled financially and otherwise rendered voiceless, and do not intervene.  Clinically it is indicated that one should not push a women to leave and abusive relationship before she is ready and before she has an escape plan in place to preserve her safety. This can be a difficult journey when the psychological abuse has been so prevalent that a woman has become isolated from any resource (including other relationships) that might help her escape. Because of the shame and guilt associated with being a victim of abuse women are reticent to come forward and share their stories. Katie Holmes has provided at least one very public example of a woman who in her own time was able to make an escape plan and free herself from the control of a very powerful man. Although it is unclear the extent to which abuse was present in their relationship we can speculate due to Katie’s exit from her marriage that these dynamics were in play. Reportedly Katie secretly filed for divorce while Tom was out of the country, she had changed her cell phone number, moved to an apartment in NYC, surrounded herself with family and as per reports today has registered at a Catholic Church- Katie had become what some people called the “First Lady of Scientology” during her marriage to Tom.

My hope is that this pop culture story becomes more than just media fodder but takes on a greater purpose: an example of a woman who decided to leave and claim her life back. I want to express that I understand that Katie has resources most women in abusive relationships do not- and that her story is not typical, but it can be a spark that lights the flame in advocates and victims to open a dialogue about escape, taking back power, and starting over.

~Emma Wood, Psy.D.

Why Pinterest is Bad for Your Health…

Pinterest, like many new pop-culture social portals, has been tarnished by out weight-obsessed-sexualized-objectifying-of-females culture. Initially intended to be a sort of online scrapbook, Pinterest allows users to “pin” ideas, items, recipes and inspirations found on the internet on to a virtual cork-board. It is a way to pin your interests, hence “Pinterest.”

When it first started in 2010 Pinterest's mission was to "connect everyone in the world through the 'things' they find interesting,” which included favorite recipes, vacation spots, craft ideas, and other harmless categories. I use Pinterest for just this purpose but recently have found a shift in what I am seeing on the site.

Recently a friend posted a link with the “50 Best Snacks under 50 Calories” which included ideas like: 1⁄2 small banana, frozen and 14 seedless red grapes, also for 49.5 calories you could enjoy 1⁄2 cup jicama with 4 oz salsa (careful with your measurements, there is only a half-of-a calorie of wiggle room!) This pin is one example of the hundreds of thousands of pins which teach primarily women (83% of the U.S. users are women) disordered eating behaviors. Other pins include detailed instructions for dangerously restrictive fad diets and hours of brutal exercise regimens.

As a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in Women’s Issues, specifically eating disorders, this kind of obsession with calorie counting and finding 1 point “treats” is often a symptom of a deadly obsession with weight. Far beyond the unhealthy diet tips circulating on the site there are an equal number of pictures of impossibly thin and toned women who serve more as “thinspiration” than inspiration! Thinspiration is common in pro-ana (anorexia) and pro-mia (bulimia) websites where women teach other women how to perfect their eating disorders; these sites often include pictures of emaciated women and famous thin celebrities.

Another disturbing trend that I have found, which goes hand in hand with pictures of women’s bodies has been sexualized and objectifying content about women. One pin circulating the boards called “Posing guide: 54 portrait ideas to try right now” depicts a women posing in ways that would make my father blush. One of the 54 ideas includes straddling a chair and turning back to face the camera, seems more like a striptease than a “portrait” pose to me.  

The problem here is not about freedom of speech or sexuality, the problem is the covert nature of the messages that women receive about what is “healthy,” “attractive,” and “good.” The problem is the internalization of messages that harm women, messages that overtime begin to feel like our own thoughts. In reality no women is satisfied after eating “one small celery stalk smeared with 1⁄2 Tbsp natural peanut butter.” No women feels more valuable and beautiful by turning her backside towards the camera before she says “cheese” or should I say “reduced fat cheese.” And yet, when we are bombarded by these messages, and see other women endorsing them, we begin to feel they are truth.

A woman’s physical and mental health depends on her ability to see these oppressions for what they are. If a woman is unhappy with her appearance or unhappy with her body shape and size- the diet and fashion industry boom. Your bad body image is their private jet. If we are not able to differentiate between the truth and the brainwashing about our physical hungers (see Mindful Eating- Dr. Susan Albers) and what is objectified vs. valuable about our bodies (ability to take us from point A to point B/nurture life/ run a mile/hug our partners/etc.) then we will always be vulnerable to depression, eating disorders, role conflict, and other serious issues.

So I am not saying don’t use Pinterest, it is a very clever and useful tool. I am, however, encouraging you to use your feminist filter, to check in with your inner voice- the wise elder inside you that wants and knows what is best for your health. Smile at the camera because you are happy! Pose for a silly picture for laughs. Eat until you are satisfied, stop when your feel full. Listen to you own truth and become inspired!

~ Emma J. Wood, Psy. D.

Emma Wood is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing at a college counseling center in central Texas. She is a national speaker and presenter on women’s body issues, body image, self esteem, and eating disorders. 

Why Women Return to Unhealthy Relationships

Watch as Dr. Thema Bryant, Past President APA's Society for the Psychology of Women, Associate Professor at Pepperdine University and current CNN iReporter, discusses Rhianna, Chris Brown, and the cycle of unhealthy male-female relationships.



http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-752729


There are emotional, social, and psychological factors that keep people in abusive relationships. As a culture we often promote silence and forgiveness over safety and well-being. Until we heal and promote healing messages we will continue to see people confusing hurting for loving. Love lifts. It is not destructive. If you are having trouble leaving and staying away from an abusive person call and get help today: Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233). You don't have to face it alone. Help is available.